I had a good day today.
It was my first real day of my new job and my first real day back at work after more than two months off. I was a little nervous—I still am—about adjusting to a more rigid schedule and the grind of full-time work. I have to trust that I’ll get used to it again. I know I’ll miss the lovely freedom of an open schedule, the travel, the fun of making French toast on a Friday morning and lounging around until 1 PM.
But I am surprisingly happy to go back to work. It’s not about the paycheck, really, though it’s better for my wallet if I am earning money. Walking to the bus today, I realized it’s about much more than that. I have missed doing science. I swear to you, on May 17th, I never thought I’d say that, but after all this time away, it feels good to use that part of my brain again. I missed my work friends. I missed having an excuse to dress up every day. A little part of me even missed the routine and discipline that comes with working. And maybe I even missed the busier lifestyle that I live when I’m working. I liked slowing down, but now I hope I’m ready to pick up the pace.
The most satisfying thing about life these days is that I feel very chosen. Ideally, you choose your life, but my life was not choosing me back. Preceding this new job, my old job rejected me. Before Paul and I started dating, Matt broke up with me. I tried so hard to make it work with my old job and with Matt. I tried to be patient. My old life pushed me away, and those rejections broke my heart. But that old life feels very far away, and my new life feels bright and promising. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I am choosing my life, and my life is choosing me right back. It is a lovely feeling.
Maybe, just maybe, the long struggle is over. At least for a little while.