A Few Thoughts on Consumerism While on Vacation

I’ve noticed that whenever I come up to Michigan, I inevitably experience the urge to buy things.  More things!  Need more things!  I also experience junk food cravings, which I think is another symptom of the same phenomenon.  Which is this: when I’m up here, my wings are clipped.

Wow, that sounds so negative, right?  As though I’m some bird itching to take flight, but I’m caged, flapping around angrily and biting at people’s watches.  It’s not like that at all.  My family is wonderful about my visits.  We like spending time together, and they’re so good about taking care of me when I’m visiting.  But there’s something very powerful about going places by yourself and living the day by your own agenda, not by other people’s.  I feel independent when I run errands by myself, free to take my time and listen to my own thoughts.  When I’m with family in Michigan, I just don’t have the means (read: bike or car) to come and go as I please.  And what’s more, I’m not sure I need that freedom since they take such good care of me.  But I do find myself feeling different about cravings for stuff.  As best I can tell, buying things is a proxy for the independence that I give up temporarily.

As someone who is deeply interested in consumerism and our relationship with it, I’m fascinated by the independence-shopping axis.  I recognize that my cravings are not needs; they are wants—and not even wants for anything specific!  I want to enjoy browsing at Trader Joe’s (seriously, I spent at least five minutes ogling the body care goods yesterday).  I want to ooh and ah over the pretty clothes at Target.  I want to buy a smoothie…just because.  Even though I need none of these things!  And I know that it’s better to not shop frivolously here just for the sake of shopping when Paul and I have our trip to New Mexico and Colorado coming up very soon.

So what have I concluded after all of this navel-gazing?  That I enjoy spending my own money, and I’m kind of at a loss when I have nothing to buy!  So I bought lunch today for three of us while we were in Royal Oak.  My sister-in-law offered to pay, but here I am, sleeping in her house, eating her food, and generally mooching off of her family.  (I know they don’t see it as mooching, but I like to look for ways to contribute.)  It was a nice lunch, too, at a grown-up place (Bastone Brewery), where we ate crispy Belgian fries and nibbled on salads.  My nephew loved the fries, too!

Being up here reminds me that what we’re really doing together is making memories.  That for me, money is a tool to help me do things, not buy things.  Don’t get me wrong: I love creature comforts and pretty things, and I believe that smart spending is critical for a healthy relationship with money.  But I’m here, now, and we have everything we need.  That should be enough.  And I know it is; I’m just trying to remind myself whenever my inner wanty monster¹ starts getting all googly-eyed about shopping. 

Last night was pretty great.  Four of us ate ice cream cones on the deck in the warm evening air.  Later, the kids ran around in the backyard.  Or rather, my nephew Devin ran around while his sister stuck her nose in a new book.  Amanda and I stood on the deck, watching the kids play as the light slowly faded on us.  It was such a sweet after-dinner winding down. 

¹ I stole the word “wanty” from Phoebe, who stole it from Kei.

Advice from the Cat

“Do not follow where the path may lead.  Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” ~Robert Frost

Or, you know, don’t leave a trail.  Just disappear into your adventure and come out when you’re ready to return to civilization.

Lost?

If you need directions at the Detroit Zoo, ask any of the volunteers.  They’ll be sure to help you out.

The Most Important Word

My new friend Amber said something very interesting the other day.  We’d been discussing Ayn Rand’s philosophy and The Virtues of Selfishness, and Amber said, “To say ‘I love you,’ one must first be able to say the ‘I.’"  Which, it turns out, is an Ayn Rand quote.

Intriguing!  It got me thinking: for me, what’s the most important word in that phrase?  And if I can even pick a single word, why?  Why is one word more important than the others?

I like Rand’s take on the issue.  I do.  It reminds me of something I heard on a podcast in regard to polyamory, but I think it’s true in most, if not all, romantic relationships.  50% of your relationship’s success depends on you: you gotta get your act together.  Know thyself.  Understand what you need, what you want, and how to ask for those things.  40% of your relationship is choosing a good partner.  That person has to have his or her act together.  And maybe 5-10% is structure, logistics, and circumstances.  The idea that you have so much to say about your own happiness in love and life is tremendously empowering.  I like it!

I’m not an Ayn Rand scholar, so I’m using her work as a jumping off point here.  Her statement about love fits well with her description of selfishness as rational self-interest, which is to say that we do things for our own sake, not solely for the benefit of others.  And if we do do things to please others, we ought to do so because it pleases us to please others.  Therefore, in love, the sum total of our experience should make us happy.  And if it doesn’t, there’s something wrong.

I think when I was younger, I struggled more with the “I.”  I let myself get sucked into my boyfriend’s orbit, while he showed little interest in mine.  But now, at 31 and with adult responsibilities, I have no desire to get swept up in someone else’s life.  I’m interested in partnership, not losing myself in romance.

I’ve never had a problem with the “you” part of “I love you.”  I’ve always dated good men, even if they were less-than-ideal partners for me.  So that leaves me with the middle: “love.”  That, I think, is the most important word for me right now.

Years ago, my sister-in-law said something very wise about love.  She said that we have to learn how to love people.  She meant it in the romantic sense of the word, and I think I’ve made big strides toward a healthier, more fulfilling approach toward love.  Here I thought I’d share a few of the lessons I’ve learned.

* Only date people who have a strong sense of empathy.  Empathy is the key to compassion, which in turn allows for healthy attachment.

* Trust your initial impressions.  Thinking back on the men I’ve dated, I can remember most of those first impressions, and they were spot-on.

* Cultivate your ability to hold on and let go.  It’s a beautiful thing, being able to set off on an adventure and come back to the one(s) you love.

* Be honest.  Even if it’s scary.  I cannot stress this enough.  BE HONEST.

* But beware of radical honesty.  Do you know what radical honesty is?  It’s telling the truth all the time, no matter how brutal the message or the delivery.  I feel radical honesty is a bludgeon, not a tool, and believe there are more compassionate ways to talk about problems.  Which brings me to my next point…

* Recognize that partnership is about problem-solving.  Choose a good problem-solver!  Especially if you think you might raise children with someone, you’ll want a partner who can think both rationally and creatively about problems.

* Believe that you deserve love.  This one sounds really basic, but it’s worth spelling it out.

* Choose the love that calls for you to be your best self.  I believe that we come together into relationships to shape each other into the best people we can be.  Along those lines…

* Let yourself be shaped by love.  Paul and I are learning how to be partners.  We’re doing pretty well, and I think part of that is recognizing that we’re learning how to do this thing we’ve started.  At the risk of saying something controversial, I think dating and relationships are a lot easier if we are open to another person’s influence.  If you aren’t open to learning and growth, I’m not sure you should be dating.  (Opposing opinions welcome here!  But if so, I’m curious how you approach dating.)

And there you have it: a theory of love in a single blog post.  Happy day to you!

Resting Up North

{Checking out the views from the 15th floor of the Compuware building in downtown Detroit.}

Hi, y’all!  On Tuesday I flew north, and right now, as I sit here typing this post at my sister-in-law’s table, watching the sunshine illuminate spring’s greenery in the yard, all I can think is this: it is good to be home.

Chatting with my sister-in-law this morning, I realized that this trip to Michigan is the first one in over a year when I have arrived in my home state and felt (more or less) like myself.  A year ago when I was here, I was brokenhearted over a romance that was winding down into something less.  I came home in October to mourn the death of my brother Scott.  And in December, after an intense period of grant-writing that dragged on to the very last minute, I was exhausted.  It felt like I’d been run over by a train.  After all that, it is refreshing to be here with a heart buoyed up by lightness and joy.  My mind has been resting and healing.  My body…well, my body is getting stronger as marathon training begins.  And the subjective feeling of living in this body has so much to do with the feelings in my mind and heart that my real task this year has been to heal my way back to feeling healthy again.

And I think Michigan is the perfect place to do that.  Last week was fun, visiting friends in Texas.  But it’s here, in the land of tall trees and the people who have known me the longest, that I think everything will be made well again.  Yesterday we took two little ones to the Michigan Science Center for some nerdy fun, most of which consisted of jumping into a pool of plastic balls and watching balls dance over an airstream.  Today my sister and I spent the day together, eating salads at Panera, trying on wedding dresses at I Do, Too (she tried on, I assisted), and eating ice cream cones.  Tonight there was a Daisy Girl Scout meeting and a handful of very excited five- and six-year-olds, followed by some serious playing in the yard before the final bedtime call.  The weather has been beautiful up here, with perfect temperatures and enough rain to keep things interesting.  It was tempting to stay up last night to watch the thunderstorm, but Lydia likes to wake me up every morning for snuggles before she has to get ready for school, so I need to start going to bed earlier!  After we get out of bed, I’m practically falling asleep on top of her while we sit on the couch watching a show.

I’m so happy these days.  I hope you are too.

(PS  I have a few posts up my sleeve right now, including a bird’s eye view of how this summer o’ fun came to be, as in: how can I afford to take two months off?  I’m writing posts and editing photos during the quiet time, so I’ll still be posting here while I’m in Michigan.)

(PPS  I started writing this post in the morning and am now finishing it as the day winds down, hence the switch in day times.  I kinda like it, so I’m keeping it.)

The Truth about Writing

Just a little writing inspiration to kick off your week.  Sometimes the truth is self-evident!

Write on, friends.

Road Trippin’: Five Insights from Houston to Dallas and Home Again

{Cookies for the road!  Recipe here if you feel like baking.}

Paul and I were on the road this week, and it was fantastic!  We did a little tour of Texas, spending a day in Houston and two days in Dallas, visiting friends, eating great food, and sleeping as late as we wanted.  I finally got to see my friend Courtney in her city, where we ate empanadas, drank chai milkshakes at her favorite coffeeshop (Plum Coffee, in case you were wondering), and made an explicit agreement that I would be her grad school cheerleader/sympathizer if she decides to go back to earn her PhD.  After that, Paul and I met up with his college friend Brandon and Brandon’s beautiful family.  From Houston we went on to Dallas, where we hung out with our friends the Minnericks, whose photography will blow you away—seriously.  Wow.  (Also, this.  Wow.)  Paul got his first taste of an all-vegan restaurant, Spiral Diner, and we learned that Jam Jar’s sweet Shiraz is a terrific wine.  (Yes, it’s sweet, but not overpoweringly so.  I was curious and skeptical, but in the end, we killed that bottle of wine, no problem.  It was delicious.)

For me, it was a week of great conversation, the kind that make you hungry for more.  I want to talk more about those conversations in future blog posts because I feel like there’s a lot to unpack.  For now, I thought I’d share a few notable things from this trip, things I’d like to remember for the future.

* I don’t like to collect kitchy things, but at the Comfort Inn where we stayed in Houston, they had a waffle-maker that makes waffles in the shape of Texas.  That would be, I think, the perfect souvenir for my time in the Lone Star State.  (Also, the waffles were surprisingly delicious.  I had a bite of Paul’s, then he offered to make me one.  Then he went back for seconds!  They were that good.  Also, a boyfriend who offers to make you a waffle is a good thing.)

* Sometimes the best way to spend your money on the road is to purchase some privacy via a hotel room. 

* Some people have a knack for changing your mind.  And others have a knack for making you think.  Paul and Courtney fall into that first category—they are rhetorical powerhouses who will win you over.  I am not a rhetorical powerhouse, and I’ve decided that I’m okay with this—at least in conversation.  But if I can get you to think, then I will feel I have accomplished something meaningful.

* Some of my happiest moments occur when I get to listen to smart people talk to each other.  I’m a happy sponge, soaking up all the good stuff.

* Contentment is a small dog that tucks itself into the space between you and another person.  Or how about a dog that asks you to cover him up with a blanket?  Adorable.

Happy weekend, friends.