Everything, All at Once

Hello, my dears!  Thank you all so much for the collective cheers on my last post.  It was such a joy to read your comments--I am humbled by your goodwill.

This week I've been thinking about planning and how futile it can feel.  I have literally planned my life around my job for the last year and a half, and poof.  Soon it will be gone.  But the thing is, I cannot imagine having done anything differently.  I've known for a long time that my postdoc position is unstable, that the money to support me indefinitely is not available, that I need to be...that I need to be what?  Constantly stressed out by the uncertainty that I've been staring at for a long time?  I don't even know what to think any more, other than to remind myself that I did the best I could.  And because of that, I have no regrets.

What more could I want?

This week, two of my favorite bloggers wrote pieces that resonated with me and my current nebula of emotions.  I'm happy and sad, angry and understanding, frustrated and at peace.  I am everything, all at once, and I have no idea what I'm doing next with my life.  I am overwhelmed by possibilities, and here is what Holly and Chrissy have to say about that feeling.

* Holly writes, "I think letting that go will actually help me feel a greater appreciation for where I am presently.  And where I am in the present IS A REALLY GREAT PLACE TO BE."

Amen, sister!  Let go of the past.  Let go of regret.  Be grateful now.  Be here now.

* Chrissy writes, "[Washing your bowl] goes just beyond that present moment.  It is, to me, about finishing the things we start (always an issue), of personal responsibility (wash your own damn bowl), of putting an end to procrastination (why is this so difficult?), of mindfulness, of doing one thing at a time and doing it well."

That idea, of doing one thing at a time, is something that I think I may need to tattoo on my wrist to help me get through the next three months.  I'm overwhelmed by what is happening right now, with a new romance blossoming versus the pressure to figure out what the shape of my future is going to be.  And given the seeming futility of my efforts to plan my future last time, it's too easy to conclude that planning is worthless, that carpe diem is the only way to live.  But I think if I can convince myself to stay more-or-less present in the moment and to keep peeking over the horizon to see what's next...well, that might be the best plan of all.

Some day I think this will all make sense to me.