But First, a Diversion

{I’m warming up to write a post about my progress so far toward my 2012 goals, but there’s something bigger we must discuss first.}

“How much do you love me?”

That is the question of the year.  How much do you love me?  My career wants to know.  Matt, in his way, begs the question.  So much uncertainty this year, and I say to science and to Matt: I love you more than you can possibly know.  I love you so much that I won’t stop until you tell me it’s over.

I knew that this year was going to be a challenging one, careerwise, because of the uncertainty, but I was not anticipating trouble in my personal life.  I haven’t written too much about it in this space, especially the details, because it’s not my story to tell and Matt is a very private person.  Even though I’ve been hurting, I can’t really articulate my side of the story without divulging too much about Matt.  And it’s certainly not my intention to cause him pain or to misrepresent him.  Instead, I will quote from one of my favorite books of 2011, Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha:

“Every relationship is a constantly changing world that requires specific attention.  Other than warning you to be wary of those who offer one-size-fits-all relationship advice, our best counsel echoes that of Polonius to Laertes (in Hamlet): ‘To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man [or woman].’”

I especially love that line about being wary of one-size-fits-all relationship advice.  Nobody fully understands what makes a relationship work, not even the people within it.  I’m not sure that my relationship with Matt is “working” right now, but I do think it’s growing.  And it’s important to me to honor that growth by not interfering with it.  I have to let us become who we will be, as individuals and as companions to each other.

How much do I love you, Matt?  Enough to let you go, with an open invitation to come back.