2012, It’s So On

Can we talk about this photo for just a moment?  I really like it and have felt itchy to use it since I took it last March.  There’s something ironic and beautiful about the plane’s soaring white streak in the sky next to the red stoplight.  That plane just seems so defiant, go-go-GOING despite the stoplight’s instructions.  I feel like this photo is a little like a metaphor for resolutions: you’ve got to keep go-go-GOING, even though you will almost certainly find excuses to stop.  Soar, little plane!  Inspire us to reach for new heights!

In light of my success with resolutions in 2011, I decided to keep my own streak going by declaring a few big goals for 2012.  I really do believe that this year is going to be a big one, and I want to set myself up for success and happiness by being very explicit about my plans.  I figure that these resolutions are 2011’s gift to me: it was not an easy year, but I made it and now I’m ready to make the most of what 2011 taught me.

Despite my science credentials, I can be a bit hippy-dippy because hey—even atheists and agnostics are allowed a spiritual side, right?  On the hippy-dippy side of things (for me at least) is the idea of having a word for your year.  I saw this idea on Monna’s blog, and I really like it.  A word to inspire, uplift, and move you to action.  My word for this year is devotion.  I want this year to be about living up to the promises that 2011 hinted at.  I want to feel fully, deeply committed to the most important goals, the ones that will require some inspired effort to achieve.

Devotion.  It’s a quiet word, a powerful word.  It’s about connection, almost an intimacy.  I hope it makes me feel strong and capable, unshakeable even.  Devotion.  It’s a good word for a good year.

I have three major goals for 2012, and they are:

* Publish, publish, publish.  This is my work goal.  I am writing a grant right now, and I’m anticipating that I’ll be submitting a research manuscript in March.  I’m also planning to submit a second grant in April.  I consider all of these documents publications of a kind, whether for funding or to communicate my results to the scientific community.  I don’t know whether these grants will bring any money into the lab, but I’m feeling optimistic and that’s good enough for now.  But my absolute top priority, work-wise, is to publish my research this year.  And I think I can do it.

* Peace and quiet.  I admitted defeat when it came to conquering my anxiety in 2011, but as I reflected on the nature of that resolution, I realized that for me, managing anxiety is an on-going affair.  It’s more like having a chronic health condition than a broken leg: a onetime fix is not going to do the job.  This year, I am rededicating myself to my yoga practice and to building time into my day for peace and quiet.  I’ve struggled with how best to do this—daily yoga? evenings without the computer? nightly meditation?  For this year, I am going to try a 2x2 approach: yoga twice a week where I do a 20+-minute session, and two evenings a week during which dinner is a quiet, candlelit meal.  I often read blogs and whatnot during lunch and dinner; this year, I’m going to do less of that.  

* Thoughtful consumerism.  I don’t talk about it a lot on this site, but I’m a pretty dedicated environmentalist.  It’s a big part of my vegetarianism, it’s one of the reasons I don’t have a car (yet), and it guides my daily choices.  I believe the sustainable-living, green movement is gaining momentum, slowly but surely, thanks to increased awareness among individuals and the efforts of organizations like 350.org, which is working hard to induce political change that will reduce atmospheric carbon levels.

A huge part of green living is just knowing what your options are.  For example, a few years back, people were asking, “Paper or plastic?” at the grocery store, and the answer that came back was neither.  Bring your own reusable bags.  And now, lots of us bring our own bags with us, which turns out to be not only more sustainable, but it’s also more comfortable.  My reusable bags are much easier on my hands or my shoulders when I’m carrying several days’ worth of food home.  This year, I’d like to make bigger strides toward green living, and to do that, I’m inviting sustainable-living or green companies to advertise their wares on this blog.  I don’t write an insanely popular blog, but I have been around for a while, and I like my little corner of the web.  My advertising rates are low, which makes them affordable for small companies, and I love the idea of partnering with small companies.

As part of my effort toward more thoughtful consumerism, if and when I come across good stuff, I’ll try to share my finds with you.  And if you find good stuff that helps you live more sustainably, feel free to tell me about it!  Together we can make our lives greener and our carbon footprint smaller.

2012, it’s so on.  Let’s do this!

And An Unofficial Resolution, Too!

I feel it would be wrong to jump into 2012’s resolutions without at least giving a nod to one of my unofficial resolutions, a slow tide of change, a gentle makeover of sorts:

I resolved to be a little more stylish.  And by “more stylish,” I really mean less frumpy.  An attempt to look my age, in the best way possible.

I think it was in late 2010 that I realized that my closet wasn’t quite keeping up with the changes in my life.  I was no longer a graduate student, no longer a Midwesterner (at least by residence—in my heart, I will always be a Michigan girl.  If you doubt me, I will hold up my right palm, point to the area below my thumb, and tell you that I’m from there, and by “there,” I mean Detroit.  Surely you know that your hand makes a perfectly fine map of lower Michigan?), and feeling seriously out of place in steamy Texas.  I’ve never been a very trendy person, and that’s fine with me, but my closet and I needed some help to adjust to our new location.

I decided that I could afford to spend some time and money upgrading my wardrobe.  I wanted to look professional and a little stylish; I wanted to feel comfortable in everything I wore.  I took my time with this little makeover—there was no rush to the mall, no spending of hundreds of dollars at one time.  And I’m really happy with how my closet and I are doing now.  We didn’t need an all-new wardrobe; we just needed some new pieces (and a good excuse to get rid of the old stuff!).  I thought I’d share with you a few of the pieces that have gotten the most mileage since I resolved to be more stylish.  I always enjoy reading other people’s shopping lists and wardrobe essentials!

In no particular order…

Scarves!  I bought two patterned scarves at Target and wear them all the time.  They’re nice for adding a pretty detail to an otherwise basic outfit.  They also work well in the warm weather of Texas; I wore lightweight scarves all summer long and rarely felt overheated by the scarf.

And speaking of scarves, I especially like them with my favorite Five Bamboo dress.

I bought two summery dresses from Five Bamboo (you can see my sister wearing the other dress that we both own here—isn’t she cute?) and wore them constantly.  Now that it’s cooler outside, I wear them with shirts layered underneath and tights.  I worry that the layering looks a bit frumpy or schoolmarmy, but remember, my resolution was to be “more stylish,” not “actually stylish.”  So if a little frump falls my way, that’s okay.

Inspired by Tania’s awesome collection of flats, I improved my cool-weather footwear with a pair of black flats.  They’re pretty simple, but I love them.  And they transition well from hot summer weather (worn with those little shoe liners if necessary) to cold weather (worn with socks or tights).

A blazer!  It’s a blazer with a wonderful secret: it’s made of sweatshirt material, so it’s supersoft and comfortable, but it looks classy and grown-up.  My mom bought me this little jacket when I was home in September, and once the heat faded, I started wearing it as my “coat.”  So many days in Texas are just too warm for heavy winter gear, but they do call for a lighter jacket.  I like this one a lot (it’s from JCPenney, in case you were curious).

There are some trends that I just can’t seem to wear, like skinny jeans, which always bunch at my knees, so I’ve taken a deliberate pass on some styles.  Likewise, I feel swallowed up by maxi skirts because I’m so short (5’1”) and I have a short torso, so I don’t much on top to balance a long skirt.  Plus maxi skirts are too long for bike riding!  I’m planning on giving my long skirts away because I just don’t wear them.  I’ve been experimenting with belting in different ways, but belting at my natural waist threatens to make my torso look even shorter, so sometimes I belt and sometimes I don’t.

I do have a few items on my wish list still: a shirtdress (adorable and can be worn in a million ways), a black dress with sleeves, some tights in fun and unusual colors.  Overall, I’m really happy with my mini-wardrobe makeover and will use it as an excuse to clear the closet of stuff that I don’t wear any more.  New clothing in, old clothing out: the cycle continues, as it should.

The Way the Whole Thing Ends: 2011’s Resolutions

If there’s any music that will remind me of 2011, it’s Gillian Welch’s, so I have stolen a song title for my post.  Good thing I didn’t resolve to stop stealing things from other artists in 2011!

Like many of you, I’ve been thinking about 2011, now bundled into a neat package of past tense.  A year is, in some ways, a long time.  A lot can happen in a year.  A baby can go from fragile newborn to sturdy walker in a year’s time.  A person can move away, fall in love, get married, get divorced, run a marathon—all in a year’s time.  I did none of these things in 2011, though I did run a half-marathon, and that’s exciting, right?  In a sense, 2011 was an uneventful year for me.  Nothing really BIG happened.  And yet, it was a year filled with drama, mostly work-related.  It was a year in which I witnessed the unfairness of mortality when cancer snatched an 8-year-old’s life.  It was a year of uncomfortable feelings: selfishness, frustration, shame.  And yet it was also a year of striving and achieving, of turning 30 and feeling very optimistic about everything.

I feel happy that I survived 2011.  Not all of us did.

2011 was also the year that I started to think more deeply about my ambitions.  I actually made resolutions!  I never make resolutions!  I was really inspired by some of the exemplary women I found on the interwebs, Chrissy and Raquelita in particular.  (They’ve already posted their 2012 goals, while I’m still putzing around with mine.  Check out Chrissy’s here and Raquelita’s over here.)  I started to wonder if, in spite of the fact that I am already a happy person, I could be even happier if I declared myself in pursuit of some ambitious goals.  It’s hard to gauge something like happiness in any sort of quantifiable way, but I’d say I was definitely rewarded by my goal-setting.  Maybe that’s the point: we get out of life what we put into it.

Let’s discuss 2011’s three goals, shall we?

* My first resolution was to cook from more diverse sources: my cookbooks and recipes from friends.  I definitely did this, though I didn’t always share the results on the old blog here.  I wish I had cooked more recipes from friends, though I did make Amanda’s peanut butter bars, which are crazy good.  A few of my favorite recipes from cookbooks include this rice pudding, this black bean soup, and this roasted eggplant recipe.  (That’s another thing I learned this year: I do like eggplant!  Really, I do!  Especially with cheese and tomatoes!)

Verdict: Resolution achieved! 

* My second resolution was to cultivate a more intellectual reading practice.  I even made a 2011 Reading List, which inspired me whenever I didn’t know what to read next.  I read three books from my list, started and quit a fourth, and read a basketful of books that crossed my path serendipitously.  I’ll be taking my reading list with me into 2012 since I only read about a third of the books on my list.  But I am very satisfied that I read a lot of interesting books in 2011, and at the end of the year, I got totally hooked on going to bed early so I could read.

Verdict: Resolution achieved!

* My third and final resolution, I must admit, was a failure.  But this year did teach me a thing or two about it, so I think there is some redeeming value here after all.  I had resolved to begin letting go of my chronic anxiety, which is primarily related to money and career.  This year was a hard one for me at work, which naturally made me even more anxious.  But I also found that when I was too busy to feel anxious, the anxiety disappeared.  I can’t always create the conditions whereby my anxiety lessens, but I do think that having a solid game plan helps.  I like meeting my deadlines, even if they are self-imposed.

According to my resolution, I was supposed to seek out external solutions for my anxiety, such as self-help books and yoga.  While I did plenty of yoga, I did no research on solutions for chronic anxiety, probably because I was too busy working.  That’s a lame excuse, I know, but it’s the truth.  What I realize now is that I want my anxiety to just go away.  I don’t want to have to work with it, or deal with it, or pander to it.  I just want it gone.  And that, I am afraid, is asking for a magical solution.  I’ll probably always have some anxiety—it’s just the way I’m hardwired.  But I do believe that healthy habits help to minimize it, and I’m going to do my best not to let it make decisions about my life for me.

Verdict: Resolution failed but not in vain.

And now, it’s time to consider what 2012 could be…did you make resolutions for 2012, dear reader?  If you did, feel free to share them or a link in the comments!

Breaking News

THIS JUST IN: Panera Bread is coming to College Station!  And it’s just down the street from my apartment!

I’m going to be the first person in line on opening day.  Oh, Panera, I’m so happy we’ll be together again soon.

PS  I’ll be back with a post of real substance later this week.  Until then, happy 2012!

A Two-Parter: Refilling the Well and What 2011 Taught Me

I’m curled up on the couch, with Iron and Wine on the stereo and a blanket over my legs.  I have to say, it’s pretty nice to fly home on a Thursday, go to work on Friday, then have the weekend to work and putter at home.  Today I shopped for groceries, baked banana bread, caught up on my blog reading, and spent some time working on a grant.  And by “working,” I mean largely pondering some questions, but now I’ve downloaded some new papers, so I’m going to settle into my couch with a slice of banana bread and read after I finish this blog post.

It’s nice to be home.  But I think it was even better not being home.  Even if it means living out of a suitcase for a week, I feel better that I was able to see my family this month.  I feel a lot calmer and less overwhelmed by my life, and that’s a feeling I’d like to carry with me into January.  There’s something about spending time with kids that feels so grounding and so right, like I’m doing exactly what I should be doing.

Being with my family is always an opportunity to refill the well, so to speak, a chance to share new thing with each other.  On my happy list tonight is: 

* This Week in Paleo/Latest in Paleo podcasts.  My sister-in-law Amanda mentioned to me that she listens to a Paleo podcast while working in the kitchen.  She warned me that it’s not very vegetarian-friendly, but still, when I got back to Texas, I had to look it up.  I like the Paleo podcasts hosted by Angelo Coppola because there’s lots of interesting discussion about the science of health, nutrition, and fitness.  It’s my kind of science talk!  Angelo is skeptical but open-minded, and when it comes to how science really works, he knows his stuff.

* New boots for Christmas.  I’ve needed new boots for a long time now, so I was thrilled to find a beautiful pair from Santa!  And by Santa, I mean my family.  Same thing, right?

* My sister’s awesome gluten-free pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, which she makes with my niece (who loves to bake with us).  Theresa made mini versions of these for our Christmas brunch, and they were outstanding.

* * *

I am really glad that 2011 is coming to a close.  It’s tempting to say that it’s been a shitty year for me, but I recognize that 2011 had a lot of great adventures and successes too.  Let’s say that 2011 has been a hard year.  I like the metaphorical fresh start that 2012 is bringing, but I’ve been thinking about what 2011 taught me.

I learned that living a thousand miles from my family is not a viable long-term condition for me.  I have to move closer to them, preferably within the next 2-3 years.  I’m defining “closer” as a four-hour drive, but Amanda reminded me that Chicago is such a cool city that it would be acceptable too.  So maybe I’ll move back to Chicago if I can find a job?  Or I’ll look for jobs in the Midwest and see what gems I find.

I learned that despite the supposed biological clock ticking in my ovaries, I am in no rush to have children.  I feel as picky as ever about the men I date, and for that, I am grateful.

I learned that I am stronger than I realized.  I’m in it for the long haul, even if I flounder sometimes.

I learned that I care more about relationships than anything else.  Not just romantic relationships, all kinds of relationships: familial, friendly, professional.

I learned that I’m not very competitive any more.  I feel much more motivated by the idea of working as a team, to make us the best we can be.  I’m not entirely sure what this means for me professionally, but I’m excited to explore it.

I learned that hope can make all things possible.  So I’m taking hope with me into 2012. 

Happy 2012, my dears.  Thanks for sticking with me this year, for all your comments, your wisdom, your advice, and your companionship.  Truly, this is the year that I learned the value of community in blogging, and I can’t wait to spend another year with you.  Happy, happy new year.

Field Notes from Michigan

 

Seven days in Michigan, during which time there was…

* impromptu ice-skating with my five-year-old niece and her daddy.

* pan-fried Halloumi cheese.  Crispy, chewy, perfect.

* a 13-month-old who decided that it was time for him to start walking…

* (…but we still heard plenty of thud-thud-thudding as Devin hustled his way around the house on all fours.)

* crustless pumpkin pie, a holiday staple in our family.  Both the kiddos approved.  The big people did too.

* a visit from Santa Claus, who brought plenty of paleontology gifts for Lydia, the aspiring bone-digger, and lots of blocks for Devin, whose curiosity knows no limits.

* a Christmas brunch, with all the best breakfast foods: frittata, extra-creamy hashed brown casserole, bacon, pancakes, fruit, and coffee spiked with Irish cream for the grown-ups.

* a pizza dinner out with an old friend, with lots of laughing and remembering the days when we were so young and hopeful.

* rambunctious games of tag, with a toy goose whose feet went fwap-fwap-fwap on the wooden floors, a Lydia who giggled the whole time, and a Devin who hustled after his big sister with remarkable speed.

* an easy morning spent with friends and their adorable small children.

* a backyard deer-spotting!

* …and on the eighth day, there was a long day of travel, with one delayed plane, cold leftovers (the Indian food was better than the pizza), some Christmas chocolate, and the achy feeling of leaving my family.  But I’m pretty sure it was worth it, for all the fun, cheese, love, and memories.  Next time I’m in Michigan, there won’t be snow on the ground and there might even be sandals on my feet, but I’m glad that every year ends with a wintry Michigan and a chance to hit the pause button.  2012, I’m almost ready to welcome you.  It’s been a hard, long year, but I’d like to think that 2011 is ending a high note.

On Writing and Keeping the Faith

 These days, I like to start my posts with something pretty or calming, such as this palm tree.

This post has nothing to do with palm trees, but I feel better if I can look at a palm tree.  Don’t you?  It’s like we’re on a tropical vacation!  (Please ignore the grey sky behind the palm tree.)  If you want to complement the effect with a cocktail, I recommend this fruity, rummy drink.  Yum. 

I know that several of you fancy yourselves writers, as do I.  Writing is very much on my mind these days because I am facing the daunting task of writing two grants and one manuscript in the next six months.  That’s a lot of writing of the science variety, and I’m more than a little nervous of how I am going to get all that writing done while still doing experiments and basic self-maintenance, such as getting dressed every day.  But mostly I’ve been thinking about how it is that we, as writers, make something out of nothing, or at least we make something out of a box of random bits and bobs.  Whatever gadgets and gizmos that inspire us, we throw in the box.  And then we start thinking: how do all these weird pieces fit together?  What is the thread that connects these items in a way that would make you say, “Aha!  Now I know what that box is for!”

For me right now, it’s mostly a matter of staring at the box (er, my computer screen) and plenty of time spent not staring at the box.  I’ve always been the kind of person who does her best thinking while doing something that doesn’t look like work: chopping onions, jogging in the park, laying in bed and trying to fall asleep.  When I sit down at the computer, I’ve already written half of what I’m going to say.  But what I find really exciting is that I don’t know the other half of what I’m going to say—that’s when the magic happens.  That’s when I feel like I am really, truly writing—spinning something from nothing.  It’s exciting!  In those moments, I can’t believe that I’m getting paid to do this.  I have to do a lot of work before I can sit down to write something—and I have to chop a lot of onions—but for a few precious moments, I am getting paid to write.  And that’s pretty awesome.

This month, I’m going to Michigan to see my family for the holidays.  I’ll be gone longer than I would have planned, had it not been such a headache to book my flights out of Texas.  While I’m on “vacation,” it’s going to be a bit of a working vacation because I’ll be trying to make some headway on a grant proposal that’s due in February.  And you know what?  I’m looking forward to it!  I love seeing my family and I love that we’ll have lots of time for morning coffee drinking, ice skating, holiday baking, shopping, and general merrymaking, but it’s also good to take a break from all that togetherness.  I live alone, and it can be hard for us hermits to spend days and days with other people without taking a break.  My goal is to spend at least two mornings or afternoons at Panera, working on the grant.  I figure if I can get 4-6 hours of good, deep-thinking work done on this proposal, then I’ll be in good shape when I come back to Texas and we’re really under a deadline to crank this thing out.

I’m grateful that writing projects are portable in a way that my experimental work is not.  I won’t be dragging flies or video cameras with me to Michigan, which might freak out the security people at the airport.  Instead, I’m taking just my computer, and no one will bat an eye at my Dell.  Most importantly, I’m trying to be as upbeat and positive about these writing projects as I can.  We may not have a very good chance at getting one or both of these grants funded, but like I said to my boss the other day, if we don’t apply, we have a 100% chance of not getting funding.

The other thing that I am reminding myself these days is that no matter what happens in the next 6-12 months, I am going to learn a lot.  And that is a very good thing.  It’s the same thing I told myself in graduate school when I was applying for a grant, and in the end, that situation worked out quite nicely.  So I’m going to keep the faith and believe that in 2012, things will work out.  I don’t know all the details, but I’m going to keep the faith.  Even scientists need faith in something, even if it’s something as ambiguous as the Universe and Its mysterious ways…

Writing friends, how do you keep the faith during the more ambiguous parts of your process?  How do you stay calm when your work is giving you reason to freak out?